Why did I FINALLY come back? I guess I always knew I would; I never intended to stay in New York (the Hamptons, specifically) for more than a year or two at the most. Four years is double and I disappointed my family every holiday between then and now when they asked when I would be back. Unfortunately my grandparents aren't around for this but I think they are drifting around in the ether and know I am home. I am a totally different yet exactly the same person. It's so strange that I have to ruminate about it out loud (on the internet) to even fully wrap my head around it.
I left NYC quickly; I did have a plan to come back to Utah in March of this year (it's the end of January now) but things got expedited by a series of events mainly of my making but also my family, work, and friends. The big reason was my depression - it's a weird thing to advertise, but it has such a non-deserved stigma that I feel it's the least I can do for everyone else (and there's A LOT of us) that have it. Get it out of the closet, it's okay to not feel good or happy or "right." It isn't necessarily your fault but it certainly isn't anyone else's, either. Is it God? Is it genetic? Is it science gone awry in your personal brain? All of the above, I suppose. At any rate it can be a real bitch to deal with, not so much because of the acute symptoms (tiredness, lack of interest, etc etc) but because "WHAT HAVE I DONE OR NOT DONE TO DESERVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS?!" One minute I'm happy as a clam and the next I'm curled up in a ball with "Do Not Disturb" on my forehead. What the f**k?
If you know me personally you know I am a proponent of prescription drugs to treat this disease (and it is, although it varies in intensity, scheduling - very hard to grasp with both hands unlike say, cancer or alcoholism.) I personally am on a cocktail of Prozac and Elavil, along with supplemental Klonopin and now Adderall to keep an even keel. It is working and I really like my Dr.; he was writing a letter for my trial (see previous entries) and read it back to me, which is when I first heard my "official" diagnoses: acute depression, generalized anxiety, and obsessive/compulsive disorder. To be completely honest I wouldn't be surprised if there were a hint of Bi-Polar disorder as well but I tend to be more depressive than manic so maybe not. Anyway, it's a mix that really isn't that uncommon and it gets me into trouble- but I know I'm playing with fire and the possibility of getting burned goes UP in an exact ratio as to how little one cares about the burn. The more depressed I am, the less I care and so it goes...
So the general consensus on my returning to Utah was that I need the support of my family, some new friends, and a change of scenery. I strongly believe that living in an intense (and NYC tops that list) urban environment up the stress level of every physical being, aware or not. Then add a propensity for drama and watch out! you never know what you're going to get. I do seem to be more happy when I'm co-habitating so this is still a good place. And that it's a parent who can always sense when something is going on helps. I could get away with murder in NYC and nobody would be the wiser unless I said something. Not so here.
So today is a different day. I have people to answer to (that I truly love, not just that I need to give me a paycheck or roof over my head) and things to do. My time is less my own & although usually that sends me up the wall, right now it is great. Idle hands, as they say... I am a different person now than I was four years ago when I left Colorado (and six years ago when I left here.) We all are. For better or for worse, I am going to get a sense of who and where I came from, why that is important, and how I can maintain a sense of myself in a healthy, positive way. Then maybe we can drop the meds and everything will balance out again. But even if it doesn't, today is good enough.
